Two people who know me very well said:
“You’re so full of love.”
to me the other day when I was having the biggest emotional breakdown I’ve had for a while.
It really struck me.
As I was, in my opinion, being irrational and needy and annoying and ridiculous these two people are telling me that I am full of love. Why was my meltdown, my ridiculous meltdown, prompting this response from two people dealing with the fall out?
I am indeed, full of love. Love is what I do. Love is my motivator and my purpose. I give love indiscriminately to everyone.It can be glorious. I put so much love out into the world and I get a whole lot back. And I feel it. I deeply feel it. It’s wonderful. I get such satisfaction, soul deep, from loving and seeing the results in other people. A smile, a hug, a tear. It’s beautiful.
I heard it said once that you have your emotions, they don’t have you.
It’s a useful fact that I remember often because oh boy, the number of times I feel like an emotion takes me over. I am consumed and I don’t know where I end and my emotion starts.
There is a quote in Othello that rings true with me, where he describes himself as
“…One that loved not wisely, but too well.”
And deep love definitely comes with its demons. Anger, jealousy, self-loathing, neediness…those are the ones that jump readily to mind. I sometimes wish I had the capacity to switch off the intensity of my love. But if I did what else would that change?
Would I lose my creativity?my joy? Would I lose my welcoming warmth. My capacity to understand people?
At the end of the day I am what I am because of my intense love and all that comes with it. I don’t want to change, not really.
But I need to remember a few things.
- Self love
I give love to others constantly and without thought. But I am very hard on myself. I need to afford myself the love I give others.
- Accept the good with the bad
A lot of my emotional breakdowns are more about me trying not to react, trying to bury emotions, trying to not give in. It never works forever so when I do give in, the emotions seem to take me over. If I accept my intense emotions sooner. Maybe I can fall less deeply into the anxious, panicked well of despair.
- let them love me
I’m such a stubborn fool at times. I don’t want to accept help or support at all really. But I need it. I will take help under specific circumstances if I can control those. But that is not the love I need. I need to be vulnerable and let people love me.
I will forever be grateful to Palantilin, who through the tears and neediness of my break down saw my centre. My love. And didn’t let me fuck things up in my fear. Who saw that I was full of love, so full I was overflowing.
And to my ever patient, ever understanding hubby. Who held me close as I sobbed and sobbed and saw my love. Who told me I was full of love with such tenderness in his voice, a gentle awe and so much of his own love for me.
Love isn’t always easy but it’s always worth it, even when it hurts.