I am feeling A LOT right now. And by right now I mean in pandemic times.  I am always a big ol’ emoter. I feel everything deeply and have learnt over the years to deal with that.

Some of my coping mechanisms are not healthy.

My instinct is to bury any emotion I’m uncomfortable with. And those are the ones often labelled as negative. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, disappointment etc. Which works—Kinda—for a while until I BLOW UP because I can’t hold it in a moment longer.

I’d been working on this in the before times. I have learnt lots about myself in the last couple of years. I’ve had some major things happen, Dad died, I got chronically ill, dealt with a broken heart. I was starting to learn that it’s okay to have emotions and to express them. I have people, very patient, wonderful people in my life who keep reminding me of that.

But then the pandemic hit.

And yep, old coping mechanisms definitely attempted to kick in a bit. However, one of the good things that have come from these unprecedented times has been a more open conversation on mental health matters. I’ve spoken about how I feel far more with all kinds of people, people I’d not expect to have that conversation with. So I’ve been able to express some of the myriad emotions I’ve been feeling more freely than I’ve been able to do so before.

Those closest to me will tell you I haven’t been doing well. My emotions are all over the place. My ability to do anything is all over the place. But we’ll all agree that I’m not coping well at all now. I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been.

When Matt Hancock announced the Local Lockdown for Greater Manchester. It took away all the good things in my pandemic life. It took away the distanced visits with friends and family in my yard and it took away my visit to see my play partner and his girlfriend which was the one thing that I had as a guiding light in the future. A holiday away, some beatings and some time with amazing friends to just enjoy myself.

That was all snatched away.

But not just that, pubs and restaurants and gyms and cinemas are all open. People can gather in those places. I can’t even contemplate going to any of those places because of my current asthma status (which is basically, breathing is hard) and I can’t risk getting coronavirus.

I’m sure you’ve read this so many times by now you’re sick of it. Imagine being in my head. Going over and over this injustice. Realising everything you’ve lost. Everything leads back to this.

I have not been in a good place for the last month. My emotions are dominated by sadness, fear, anger and tied up in a great big anxiety bow.  Which makes me needy AF.  I’m clamouring for reassurance left, right and centre because I just can’t deal right now.

I am being pulled apart by emotions I don’t know how to deal with and no amount of trying to distract myself or damp it down or look for the silver linings is helping.

So I thank those who are dealing with my neediness. And I apologise for the constant pleas for reassurance. For the bombardment of memes, the outpouring of weird thoughts at random times.

I need your love right now and I keep grabbing for it without thought sometimes.

I appreciate all you do for me. Even if at times it seems I don’t. Every little thing you do for me is a bright, shining star in the darkness of depression and anxiety right now.  Thank you. Thank you so much.

I feel like a black hole right now. Constantly pulling in more and more and more and more and…

But as the quote says, feelings can’t be ignored.  I’m processing through them. It’s a long and hard process. But hopefully on the other side, there will be enlightenment, new coping skills and a happier, healthier, more balanced me.

So hang on in there, please?