Team BDSM

I guess my whole experience in BDSM is a collaboration. I’m not in it for the whole one master thing. I have a husband who I love and adore, he’s not a Dom (yes, he can be mean as hell and I love him for it) and I don’t want him to be my master.

That’s not my dynamic.

I don’t need that. I have a soul mate, a person I love and adore and want to spend the rest of my life with. Got all that covered, cheers, ta.  What I want is to explore my masochistic and submissive side.

My first ever experience at a BDSM dungeon (At Miss T’s, now my kinky home from home) was a collaboration. Hubby and Sensei beat me black and blue and the wonderful Tenseld showed me how a violet wand works (and I loved it) but not only did I have the input of these wonderful meanies, I had the support of others too.  Conversation, encouraging shouts, the camaraderie of other bottoms around. Miss T herself watching on and keeping us safe. It was such a positive and fun experience because of everyone involved.

Many of my experiences have been a collaboration too. We’ve got the time I was whipped by three meanies and the other time I was whipped by three meanies. Then there was my last experience at play club where I had 3 meanies (3 is my favourite number) beat me and I got a top up from 2 more later in the evening.

Even when there isn’t more than one meanie beating me, there will have been a community of people helping me to connect with that one person for play. And that’s the joy of being part of the BDSM scene. It is a collaboration of all kinds of kinksters coming together to have a jolly good time.

One on one is a collaboration too. There is give and take between Dominant and Sub, the rhythm, the dance. Both have to be engaged in the scene, have to work together to get the best experience for both top and bottom.

That’s down to communication. A great collaboration has great communication. There’s an honesty that comes of trust and respect that enables all parties to feel free. Even when things don’t go so well. I played with AI once. It was fun, but I kinda wanted more and I didn’t say anything at the time (because I am a shy thing really and didn’t want to be make demands) but there were very few marks from the session and we talked about that afterwards.

It could have been a disappointment. But because we discussed it, I found out he had been tired and I admitted I’d wanted more, we made the next play session a rip-roaring success. We strengthened that link of mutual trust and respect, we took a miss-step and made it part of the dance.

And that is the heart of collaboration.

My husband and I constantly talk. We weren’t automatically good at it. We’re both sulkers by instinct and bottled up emotions aren’t good things. We’ve learnt the difference between confrontation, the kind that is negative and rips us apart and timely communication which might involve some difficult conversation about hurt feelings but ends up with positive outcomes.

That’s collaboration.

I’m growing, getting to know me, my limits and desires more with each passing day. I’ve made mistakes and I’m getting better at owning them. Because to be a part of the team, I need to know myself, to better myself, to fix things that don’t work.  It’s being willing to look at myself and the way I act and changing the stuff that needs changing. Because although it’s a great thing to be your own person, collaboration involves personal responsibility too.

I’m enjoying everything that collaboration brings. I’m celebrating the positives of being part of a kinky tapestry of sexy threads that pull together and make astonishing, breath-taking patterns. I love being one of those threads and finding out more and more about my strengths, showing my true colours and blending with others.  Finding my place within BDSM which is boosting my confidence in all areas of my life.

It’s good to be part of team BDSM.

 

 

 

8 CommentsLeave a comment

  • This was a great exploration into communication in ALL aspects of love and sex – living together brings its issues and kinky play definitely needs it – before, after, all the way through as you have so well demonstrated.

    I too have moved from being a sulker (with a previous guy) to my OH who insists that a ‘point of peeve’ cannot be brought up too far after the event, otherwise it isn’t valid! I thought at first I hated his ‘rule’ but 25 years on I believe it is key to our marriage working!

    Please – Write a piece on communication – we could all do with pointers and/or affirmation for what we are doing right. Thanks for sharing.

  • Excellent post – any collaboration needs communication for sure but the BDSM ones must totally rely on it – i should think

  • The “Just COMMUNICATE!” message often gets shouted, but if people actually knew how to communicate with one another, the advice would be moot. So I love that you’re honest here, about your natural instincts tending toward sulk and your need to figure out non-hurtful confrontations of feelings, because I really think people need to see that.

    XO

    • Yes! Communicating isn’t as easy as it sounds…I think you’ve inspired me to write a post on communication. Well, how I’ve learnt to adapt my way of communicating emotions, it’s worth exploring more I think :)

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