I’m lucky, not only do I get the release of orgasm, sometimes multiples, I get a release from pain too and when these two things match up, damn, it’s glorious.
I spend a lot of my time trying to capture in words why pain is pleasure to me. A big part of it is about release. At any given moment my mind is filled with dozens of different thoughts.
What will we have for tea? Did I remember to bring the washing in? Oh, it was funny when he did that. What did so and so mean by that message they sent last Thursday? The floor needs hoovering. I have that writing I need to do by tomorrow, oh and I must email people about the smut. Did I reply to that person about the prizes? We need new tombola tickets.
It’s a constant swirling sea of thought. Some useful, some not. I wade through it. Some days with more success than others. I’ve got a few ways to soothe it, writing, crafting, certain mindfulness practices (that are invaluable when I’m in particular crisis) but my favourite way of calming the waters is receiving pain.
You can’t think when you’re being beaten. Not much past: “What’s coming next?” and “Remember to breathe” and “Can I take more?” anyway. I find myself completely in the moment. I’m not thinking about anything that was or anything that will be. I’m there completely engaged in what my partner is doing to me.
I start some beatings with a grin on my face I just can’t stop spreading, others I’m already mentally prepping myself for what is to come. With other pain such as wax and electroplay I find my mind recalling what has happened before and with new experiences my stomach twitches with anticipation.
As the pain builds, I will nearly always find myself at the point of panic. It’s a split second thought between strikes, or electric pulses where I ask myself if I can take any more. Sometimes the answer is no and I speak up but more often than not that is the point where pain turns to pleasure.
Actually, that’s misleading. It’s still pain, very much so. It still really fucking hurts, but in that pain comes the release. There is ecstasy through gritted teeth and yelps of pain, pride in taking what the dominant is giving to me and joy in the way my body reacts. My heart beats fast, I arch to meet the strikes or stay so terribly still or wriggle and tense because the electric makes me do it. I get wet between my thighs.
The release can be physical, with shouts and screams and yelps and all kinds of strange sounds. It can be in the ache of forming bruises or zapped skin and electrified muscles or even orgasm. It happens, sometimes. I come from the pain alone.
It can be mental, the brain finally still and quiet and just enjoying the moment. Contentment and pride combining with joy and satisfaction. Thoughts quietened.
And emotional. I laugh a lot, pain just makes me laugh like a loon sometimes. It sometimes makes me cry but the emotions built up inside me pour out and I feel so much better for letting me go.
I’m still exploring BDSM, still only beginning but what I am finding is it gives me a unique release that makes my day to day life easier to bear.
The more releases you can have, the more ways to just let go, the better I think. It certainly does me good, I can tell you that!