TL:DR Sex Education on Netflix is an entertaining show. Made me think about my own teen years and how I didn’t do any sexual experimentation. I want to do that now. How the hell do I?
I watched Sex Education, recently. We binged it over the matter of a few days and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was refreshing to have something about teens and sex that seemed to deal with real stuff, the nitty gritty. The bits we don’t talk about because we’re all so stupidly British and repressed.
Being more open about sex, well that’s a whole other blog post, coming soon when I feel the need to get my rant on. This post is all about me and how I seem to be doing a lot of the stuff the young people in that show did in their teens, now I’m in my 40’s.
So take a jaunt down memory lane with me. I was a very good girl. I’m not exaggerating here, I always did the right thing and if I did the wrong thing, it would tear me up inside before I ever got told off for it. I was quite possibly the least rebellious teen in the history of ever.
Weirdly, though, I had one moment where I was ahead of everyone else. And some people kinda looked up to me, for a while. I was 11, last year of junior school. I got my period. I didn’t think much of it, mum provided me with pads and gave me a book. Now, I realise a book isn’t the totally best way to deal with a child going into puberty – but least I had info!
It was a Christian book on all kinds of things to do with puberty, body changes, periods and sex. Of course it’s main thrust (excuse the pun) was there shouldn’t be sex before marriage. However, in quite a bold move for such guidance, it was very pro- masturbation.
Now, when I was given it at 11, I was so not interested in boys, sex or masturbation. Not a little bit. However, everyone at school found out I was on my period and although I hated it being pointed out at the time, I realise that amongst the ‘ha, ha you’re on your period’ comments there were questions from girls who were clearly worried about it and some kind of respect from the others, like I’d crossed some kind of threshold.
My mum got the recommendation on the book from the mum of another kid in the class, that’s how everyone got to know btw, I didn’t even think to tell anyone. It really didn’t mean a thing to me at the time. It was just annoying. I was still a kid and was in no rush to grow up, thank you.
I didn’t even realise I was having my first crush until the guy moved school and looking back in it I realised, I liked him in a more than a friend kinda way. I was 12 when that happened. My second crush was long(virtually the length of time I was in Secondary school) and painfully embarrassing, mostly for the poor boy I was infatuated with. If you’ve seen it, I was just like the guy who took the cake to the girl in the last episode of sex education. Just as bad at taking no for an answer, too.
I owe that boy a huge apology. I got so strung up in my unrequited love that I didn’t even think to respect the fact he didn’t fancy me. Sorry, dude. I’ve learnt a lot about consent and boundaries since then. I was basing my behaviour on reading too many romance books I think. I also didn’t get out much. But yep, my bad. Sorry!
I was a chuchy sort. And everything in the traditional churchy stuff I got was all or nothing. There’s the great virgin myth, that virginity is the most important thing a woman can have (bollocks) and it should be given thoughtfully to your husband. As such there was (and is!) no encouragement to go out and experiment, even kissing boys was kind of frowned on. And I was not about to rebel. I didn’t want to and even if I did, hell, I didn’t have the self-confidence to do so.
I was called fat by everyone, it felt like it was everyone, away. I mean, I was fat and I still am. I was tall, I had boobs (I was a double D at 13) and I had a bum and a bit of a tum. I’m trying to own my fatness these days. But it was spat at me so often with such venom by ‘friends’ and strangers that I used to think it was the worst insult ever. Even my own family pointed it out on the regular, I was on a diet at 14, at the insistence of my mum. There was no way I could see myself as attractive. Every time I tried to, I was reminded I was fat and that was ugly. I honestly didn’t think I could every be pretty because of my body shape. I didn’t break out of that for a loooooooooooong time.
So, I had a lack of confidence, was surrounded by the opinion that sex before marriage was bad, had an inclination to be a good girl and get people’s approval and I spent all my spare time in my bedroom with a book, at church or with my bestest mate…who was not really into guys overly much herself.
The only sex positive in any of this, was that book and its insistence that masturbation was okay. Now, it didn’t tell me how to masturbate. The details I had to find out at 15 or so from Just 17, that magazine was quite helpful and I’m glad my mum bought it for me. I didn’t wank myself sore, like a certain sex education character, but I found a release that made me feel good. My imagination came in handy too. I guess I was telling myself sexy stories even back then.
It was awkward. I was awkward. My first kiss was at 18, the majority of my relationships were via letter and occasional phone call and that kiss, was the most intimate I got with anyone before meeting my now husband when I was 19. The only person I’ve ever had sex with.
So where I watched all the kids in Sex Education discovering fun, sexy things with others within their college environment, I didn’t experience any of that.
My hubby and I haven’t been totally rigid on the monogamous thing since we got together. We’ve always been realistic, know that each of us will fancy other people. Back when we were first together we both had cyber sex with other people over the internet. Some of the hottest sex we had was whilst cybering with people online. It used to take a while to update messages back then. ;)
In the last nearly 3 years we’ve been on the scene we’ve both played with other play partners. For me, that’s all been kink specific, nothing out and out sexy (though I do orgasm from pain sometime, so there’s some cross over) and my curiosity drives me to want more.
So here I am at 40, looking to have sex with guys and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I feel like a bumbling teen. I’m not sure how to do this. I have so much romance in mind from reading and writing it for so long that I’m expecting a whirlwind of lust, a man to sweep me off my feet. And my actual relationships (numbering so very low) have always been deeply romantic. What I have with my hubby is sick-makingly so. We are just disgustingly in love. And I adore that.
So how do I do this casual hook up thing? As I watched Sex Education I found myself asking myself that more and more. How am I meant to do this now?
You might be wondering why would I want to. Good question. It’s really an extension to me discovering my masochistic, submissive side. I really love the non-sexual play I indulge in but I want to experience the sexual side too, because this masochist wants it all. I love being out on the scene and see so much fun being had and I want in on it! I want to be that free.
Now I just gotta work out how. Thus far, I’ve not cracked it. The guys I’ve fancied haven’t fancied me, but I still have those guys as friends and we still play – because friendship on the scene is a very flexible thing. I enjoy that. There are other guys I fancy and I just haven’t been brave enough to ask about sexy things because, well, I’ve not found an opening to do so yet and I’m a bit afraid of being told ‘no’. I’m less hung up on that, but I don’t want to deal with the disappointment. I’m hopeful that I won’t be disappointed…but hey, my odds are not good and I still need to work on my confidence.
I won’t say yes to just anyone, though. I have to have a connection. I’ve been asked by a million guys on the webs if I wanna sex them up…the answer is always no because they’re either copying &pasting their requests to every femme presenting person out there or only interested in getting their end away/getting off. I want something mutually satisfying with someone I have a spark with.
I won’t be coerced…but I’d like to be wooed.
So, honestly, if you have any advice for me, throw it into a comment below. I have no clue what to do or where to go from here.
Oh and if you’ve not seen Sex Education yet, watch it. It’s fun and makes you think.