I don’t know when I changed.
In fact, I think it’s something that keeps happening. An evolution, revolution even.
From being small I lived in the box I was given.
Good christian girl.
Enwrapped by the vision of me others created.
Mum chose my clothes,
Teachers directed my ambitions
And preachers inspired me to be free…
Only within my box, though.
The walls there to keep me safe from evil and sin.
I don’t know when the rebellion began.
When I peeped over the top edge of my box and saw no hellscape
But an escape from expectations.
I couldn’t believe it at first and jumped back in my safe space.
Which wasn’t really safe.
It was a cage of lies.
‘You can’t wear that, you’re too fat!’
‘You can’t say that, it’s rude.’
‘You can’t really believe that, it’s not biblical.’
And in time I saw them for what they were.
Slow dawning of light and rainbows through the gloom.
Each step out of my shell
The bright glow of freedom
blistering and blinding.
Vastness of opportunity
I forgive myself now for retreating
more than moving forward.
But now I won’t go back. I won’t.
I have far left to go
but I will never retreat to the smallness of the person they wanted me to be.
I am beautifully, hugely, sacredly
I cannot be contained.