Always look on the bright side of life!
I wonder if it’s part of my churchy upbringing that means I have to twist everything into positives or my Britishness or maybe it’s a mix of things.
I’m amazingly good at finding the silver lining. Always looking for the glass half full answer.
It’s exhausting.
What I’m slowly discovering is that actually it is okay to feel those emotions I’ve always thought of as negative. Sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, disappointment. They’re not pleasant. I definitely don’t enjoy the experience at all. But by going straight on through them instead of mind pretzeling to pretend they don’t exist, I process things so much better and often quicker too.
I’ve always been scared of those emotions that make me vulnerable. Oh ho, here’s that word again. Another exploration of my control freaky nature ahead it seems. When I am sad or angry or frustrated or jealous I run the risk of upsetting others. And that, for me, is something to avoid at all costs.
I know that’s not healthy.
And I’m beginning to let all my emotions free.
It’s terrifying.
It does make turn around on arguments and emotional breakdowns much shorter. I am less likely to hold in all my thoughts and worries and annoyances. When I did that it would just end up bursting out when I’d blown it up to the size of the proverbial cow. Usually, to find out I’d been worrying over next to nothing.
I’m learning that even when I’m an absolute cow myself, people who love me, still love me. Weird huh? In fact, those people who love me want me to let go of all my pent up heavy shit, not hold it all in to keep them happy. They want me to be happy. That’s important.
I know it sounds basic. But it is a bit of a revelation for me.
I’ve never seen the importance of my happiness. It’s always been more important to fulfil the needs of others for me. Taking it back to church, the famous prayer of Francis of Assisi is something that I’ve always loved. There’s a song, that takes the words and makes them into lyrics and this is the chorus:
Oh Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
I believe in the truth and beauty in these words still but I believe I was missing an important nuance before.
There’s no shame in seeking love, understanding and consolation when it’s needed. In fact the more we receive, the more we can give.
I need a lot of love but that allows me to love and love and love with all my soul.
So I embrace my emotions, the ones I’ve pushed down into the dark for so long, and in doing so I find the light.
