I believe in lots of things. I believe in God, I believe in the intrinsic goodness in all people. I believe in love and I believe in family and friends. But I don’t believe in me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in aspects of me. I believe in my talents, I rite gud (ha), I’m great at helping be it with advice or practicalities, I’m creative. I believe all that. But I don’t believe in me.
Let me explain, if I can. This is something I’ve only very recently realized. The belief I hold is in other people and other things, even my talents. I’ve got them in my genes or I’ve learnt them well or hell, God’s given it to me. It’s not me I’m confident in. I have very little self confidence. I’m constantly looking for other people’s opinions of me and if someone doesn’t (God Forbid) like me then I wonder what’s up with me and I will drive myself mad trying to work out why and what I should have done differently.
Now, I’d like to tell you at this point exactly how to get over having zip in the self confidence department but I haven’t worked it out yet. That’s what (I hope) I’m going to do through 2016. Really, this is just a big ol’ pile of musing but by sharing it I hope to maybe help other people with their own journey.
I was thinking back last night to how I was as a kid. I’ve always been very concerned about what people think of me. If I got in trouble I’d be sobbing and begging for forgiveness the moment anyone was mad at me and that goes back as far as I can remember. There’s always been a crippling fear of failure too. Why? God above only knows. I was never taught that making a mistake was a bad thing, I just hated making mistakes and I still do. I remember mistakes in vivid detail, from not getting the joke about a rubber (eraser) called Johnny when I was 10 to the embarrassment of blagging some knowledge with a boyfriend and getting my detail wrong and getting caught out and many more in between. I still regret them too. Stupid huh? I know that and I eventually push the negative emotions away but it can be really hard work.
Which means, very often, I don’t even try to do something new or brave or different or challenging. I’m cautious, overly so at times, and it’s only when someone else pushes me that I go out of my comfort zone and risk failure or rejection. Like with Smut.UK that only exists, the events we do only happen because I’m in it with Kev and we have a host of other folks who make it work. You don’t want to know how much angst, wailing and gnashing of teeth goes on in the run up to a smut event. It’s considerable. It’s not pretty. It’s not useful. It’s going to change this year.
How sad is it, to not even try? 2015 was the year of being brave. Did you see my Old Year Musings post? I did a lot of new stuff in 2015 aided by the awesome new friends I have in my life. I’m hoping to make 2016 the year of self-belief. So I’ve come up with motto, a mantra.
I believe in Me
As it is, I’m not completely sure I do but maybe if I say it and think it enough it will eventually become an actual belief. That’s the hope anyway. It’s why I spent a few hours with my colouring pencils and a piece of paper to make the poster that starts this piece. It’s posted directly opposite my seat. I’ll see it every day. It’ll be a visual reminder when I feel I need it.
So this is the start of a journey. I’m sure some of it will be pretty unpleasant. I’m going to try and change the habits of a lifetime. Any advice? Any words of encouragement? All would be gratefully received. I’ll blog now and then about my year of Self Belief. It’s good to talk…well, type!