It might not be everyone’s masturbatory fantasy, but hot guys wooing me definitely does it for me!


I want to be swept off my feet. I mean, probably not literally, I’m a fat girl and a tall girl and the logistics of that are pretty complex, you gotta be pretty powerful and then there is ceiling height to consider…but I digress.

I want to be swept off my feet. Not in a fairy tale way, fuck that shit. I’m not talking ‘Happily ever after’, I’m not searching for a Prince Charming. I have my forever love and he’s awesome. I don’t need rescuing, ta. I have opinions and I’ll happily share them. However, I still want to be wooed.

Why? Well, I am fairly eloquent in written word and I do okay when I’m reading out words I’ve written but when I’m freestyling with someone new, one of 2 things happen:

  1. Nil. Zip. Not a thought comes into my mind, not a word exits my mouth.
  2. A constant stream of puns, dad jokes and random shit flows out at great speed and with very little thought.

It’s even worse if the person I’m talking to is gorgeous. There’s blushing and stuttering and possibly drool.


So, for the sake of my sanity and to prevent 3am overthinks, I want to be wooed.


How to Woo a V.

Ask me stuff. I’m crap at thinking of small talk but if you take the lead, I’ll follow you. Any question, any subject but make it relevant. If you ask me if I wanna be your mistress I’m gonna roll my eyes.

Show me your kit. If you’re a meanie and you have pretty hitty things, that is an automatic in. If I like you, I’ll want you to demonstrate how stuff that grabs my attention work…on me. If I really like you, I’ll want you to hit me with ALL your stuff.  And yes, that is as suggestive as it sounds. ;)

Compliment me.  Respectfully compliment me. Body compliments will be appreciated, but only if I feel they’re from a genuine place not a leery ‘I’m desperate for anything with boobs’ kinda place. Compliments will help me realise that you actually do indeed like me. It takes me a while to get that sometimes.

Flirt. Oh, this is something I love, dearly. A little word play, some well-placed euphemisms, charming yet cheeky is my jam. If you flirt with me and I flirt back, you’re in.

Be direct. I know this looks like a contradiction to the point above but you can be flirty and be direct too, I feel. If you want to play, let me know. I can understand Dom and Top types waiting for subs and bottoms to ask, I really do but oh, I find it so difficult plucking up the courage to ask…so if you can tell me you’re interested that would be grand.

Eye contact.  I have a weakness for beautiful eyes. Show me your peepers and you’re in. Catch my gaze from across the room, let the gaze linger or throw me a cheeky wink and you’ll have my giggling and blushing like a Victorian school girl in moments.

Bribery. Hey, I’m only human. I will be very touched if you take the time to bring me a gift, write something for me (I am a sucker for poetry, ask my hubs) or gluten free food. It’s super important it’s gluten free as I’m coeliac.  Ta.

Be enthusiastic. Passion carries me away. I love to listen to people telling me all about the things they love, I adore finding out what makes a person tick. Enthusiasm excites me.

You don’t have to be Smoothie Von Confidentstein either. You can be as anxious and socially awkward as me. We can be awkward together. Just you know, give it a go. We can work it out as we go along.

See, it’s not that hard!

But here’s some more hints and tips in case you need them:


How NOT to woo a V

If I say no to you, you need to respect that. Consent and respect is key. My No is NO. Don’t wheedle, don’t try and make me feel bad for saying no or proceed to tell me about your great prowess and why I’m missing out.

Persistence isn’t flattering, it’s creepy.  So same as above. If I say No, I really mean NO.


Don’t send me creepy messages: 

Contact online is encouraged (I am, after all, at my best in the written word) but please, please, please don’t send me messages that look like any of these:

“Hey. How are you?”

No thought, no effort has been put into this, especially if I’ve never interacted with you before.

“You’re a masochist. You’ll really like it when I hit you with my big paddle/whip/ego.”

Just no. don’t presume to know what I’ll like and don’t assume I’ll let you hit me with anything. Ta.

“Will you be my mistress?” Or anything else that shows me you’ve paid no attention whatsoever to what you’ve read about me anywhere.

Ask my husband if it’s okay to play without asking me first.

As it is, you don’t need to ask him at all. I’ll do all the communicating needed. I am my own, independent entity when it comes to this stuff. You do not have to ask his permission to play with me. I am not an object my husband loans out (That might be a fantasy I’d like to come true at some point…but only after I’ve got to know a person and I’ve played with them a while), I don’t like it when people talk over me to talk to my man. In fact, it’s one sure fire way to make me dislike you.


Touch, me, slap me, grope me or anything else without my consent. That’s abuse. Don’t do it.  I am a very tactile person and once I get to know you, I encourage hugs and strokes and squeezes and if I trust you, I’m up for sneaky spanks…but I will give very specific consent for these things to happen. Do not touch me without my permission. I can’t stress this enough.


So now you have all you need to woo me. Woooooo!

Sorry, I can’t resist a pun.