I ate the most delicious onion rings of my life on Sunday. Gluten free heaven!  And that wasn’t the most brilliant part of the day.

I met Joe on OKcupid. We matched, we chatted, we really, really got on. I mean, really. We have a similar sense of humour and we are both outrageous flirts. And northern. He is, in his words ‘a steak and kidney pudding with a flat cap on’ he’s so northern. Needless to say we moved to whatsapp and sext pretty quickly and the first date followed close on the heels of naked selfies.

Refreshing, considering my seduction experiences over lockdown where first dates took 12 months or more to appear.

It wasn’t the best start to the date, as I managed to sail past Honest Burger on the bus and had to leap off at the next stop and race there by foot.  Luckily, Joe was very gracious and with a hug and a smile we were off to take a place on the terrace.

You know sometimes conversation is stilted because of nerves and stuff? Well, this wasn’t one of those times. Conversation flowed on all kinds of topics from deep and philosophical to the downright ridiculous.

I did occasionally zone out to be one with my onion rings and/or burger but I would always be pulled back to conversation with a pun or something filthy.

We did a lot of blushing, both of us. He has the sweetest dimples. He also has the most mesmerising dark eyes, brown with hints and flashes of green, the opposite of my own. I was quite taken with watching them change.

And with the sweet way he asked to hold my hand with a dip of his head. It’s such a sweet connection, that hand holding thing, and it so often leads to sexy thoughts. I’m sure both of us were thinking of other parts of us joining other than our hands. I could read it in his gaze.

After our burgers and epic onion rings we partook in smoothies.

Because Joe is a smoothie and a tasty one at that.

As was brilliantly illustrated by the way he suggested that the location we were in was perfectly good for a first kiss.

And it was. The kiss was soft and gentle, with a hint of bubbling lust. I pulled him back for another close after the first, wanting more. I am a kiss slut, it’s true.

Okay, so I’m a slut full stop, but you know. I wasn’t going to fuck in a central Manchester back alley.


Too many people who haven’t consented to seeing that!

So we strolled on and found a bench to rest. Well, mostly it was so we could snuggle and kiss some more. Joe also managed to get his hand around one of my peachy buttocks. It was quite a thrill being groped in a public place. I am really rather enjoying making out in public. I want to do more of it. Form an orderly queue.

Anyhoo, the groping and whatnot got to a point where it needed to be contained, for the good of the general public. So the rather unusual occurrence of me texting my hubs to see if it was okay for me to bring my date back home happened. Hubs said yes so we got the slow tram home.

And boy, did it feel slow. I was squished up close to Joe and we laughed and chatted and held hands and it was delightful but God, I really wanted to rip his clothes of then and there. But I contained myself.

When we got home we spent a little time politely chatting to Hubs and child before heading to the bedroom. Now, I didn’t know this ‘til sometime later but as I walked up the stairs Joe lifted my dress to admire the view. I didn’t notice at all because I was too busy worrying about the state of my messy bedroom.

I needn’t have worried. Joe was far more interested in my body than in the state of my room and soon I was far more interested in his body than the state of my room too. Kisses turned to caresses, turned to removal of top and before long we were both naked.

Now, photos are wonderful things and the nudes Joe had sent me are works of art. Rawr. However, there’s some things a photo can’t capture. Like how fucking girthy his cock is. Now, I have a small mouth. My dentists tell me so. Apart from dental work I’ve never really noticed it effecting my life until I eagerly wrapped my lips around Joe’s cockhead. And I had to really stretch my jaw to accommodate it.

God, it felt so good, my mouth so filled with cock that it made me ache, mostly in my cunt. Even more so when I looked up and made eye contact. We tried a few positions and my God, being dangled off the edge of the bed and my mouth filled with dick was at once scary and exhilarating. I wasn’t sure how the breathing thing would go (mostly fine) but my God I had an excellent view of his delicious butt.  And on top of that he busily fingered me and bit my thighs (so fucking hot, I love being bitten) and I think my brain broke a bit.

So I wasn’t sad when Joe said he’d give me a treat…and riding his face was certainly a treat.

There’s something special about oral received when I’m sat on top. Joe was buried in my cunt. His tongue lapping, his lips sucking, his hands grasping and squeezing at my ass. I felt so powerful, so sexual, so alive as I rocked on his face groaning and moaning as the pleasure flooded me.

Eventually I had to move, my legs were too wobbly to keep me up. My lover was red and sweaty and my goodness he had gone above and beyond to give me my pleasure.

What happened next was a definite sex blogger fail. He wanted to fuck me. “Have you got any protection?” Joe asked.

And yes, I had protection…but it was all in the kit bags downstairs. Oopsy. So I skipped nakedly down the stairs to grab a couple of condoms from my very, very helpful husband. Poly wins amirite? And then skipped happily back upstairs and on top of his very girthy dick. Did I mention that already? I feel like I might have but Daaaaammmmmn. What an experience. I felt so stretched, once we fitted together.

“I’m very tight,” I apologised, in the process of getting our genitals to interlock. The bit no one ever really writes about but you know, they’re not magnetic. They may be drawn inexorably together but you gotta do the fine tuning yourself.

“You’re really tight.” Joe uttered in absolute delight as we finally slotted together. I moaned, I groaned, I uttered absolute nonsense as I enjoyed being so full, so stretched, so thoroughly fucked. We changed positions after a while and my God, could I feel every inch of him as I lay back and he pressed inside of me again. So much stretching seemed to equal lots of happy lil G-spot orgasms over and over and over.

After a while Joe rolled to the side.

“Think I need a hydration break.”

And what a good idea that was. We stopped fucking and shared a glass of water. It was swelteringly hot and we were both sweat soaked. It was lovely, actually. We chatted about all sorts, including our favourite bits of play up ‘til that point. We lay head to head, it was too hot to all body snuggle, and the intimacy between us intensified.

It felt so natural when eventually Joe encouraged my hand down his body to the erection I was thoroughly enjoying getting to know more of. I used my hand for a while, then joined in with my mouth. I especially loved it when I was encouraged to lick and suck his balls. For some reason it just tips me further into a submissive mindset. To pleasure his balls with my mouth as he wanked was so hot, I moaned and gasped as I put my all into pleasing him and growled with ecstasy when he came. Shooting all up my cheek, on my lips and into my hair.


I licked and sucked up what I could before sitting up and smiling like the cat who’d got the cream.

“How’d I taste?” He asked.

He laughed when I paused, licked my lips and sucked, like I was sampling a fine wine.

“Salty…but like melon.” I finally replied.

My author brain kicked in at the moment. I had to capture the flavour in a way I could record it. Even if it made him giggle.

It didn’t matter, he’d lost his brain in the orgasm anyway.

Strange human, actually orgasmed his brain up the side of my face.

Apparently it grows back though, so that’s okay.

Isn’t it weird what you talk about when you’re all relaxed and content after a good fuck? I think it’s a good sign that Joe is as weird as me. I look forward to exploring more of our joint weirdness again soon. VERY soon.

It was indeed a hot and tasty date. And I’m definitely not talking about the onion rings now.


Lustitude The Meme