I hate rollercoasters, rides that whizz round and round, hell, the tea cups are even too much for me.
And I really don’t like horror films. I can’t stand the tension. The scares, the being afraid all the god damn time.
I will often explain it to people as I don’t find fear fun.
Clearly I do. I am sure any regular readers will realise that, but with a quick search of my site for the word ‘fear’ I came up with a number of posts from that time I was beaten with a Meat Cleaver by H , choked and beaten by Maenad and Ric_JH, hit with Sensei’s Kendo cane and waiting for that. To the recent vulnerable submission where I laid myself naked and bare in front of Palantilin and he was deliciously mean to me. And many more.
Many, many more.
So why do I find fear in a kink setting fun but not in non-kink settings?
“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”
― Cherise Sinclair
This week’s quote provides the answer I think, in part at least. For fear to be enjoyable for me I need to be able to trust someone or something enough to make myself that vulnerable.
I don’t trust rollercoasters and rides because even though I know their safety records are amazing and the chance of an accident is slight, there is nothing I can do to mitigate that risk myself and I’m putting my trust in a mechanical thing. A mechanical thing who’s only reason for existing is to give people the willies. Nope, just a big nope.
Horror films again are something I can’t control. There will be scary things and some of them I won’t be able to predict. I will feel tense and panicked and even when it’s all over I will still feel like that. I’ve watched enough of them to know this. There is no pleasurable yum on the other side. Just a wild imagination with nowhere to go…and nightmares.
And here we get to the crux of the matter.
Well, positive payoff to be more precise. It’s not always orgasms but it is pleasure because pain and pleasure are joined in my masochist body. But even then it’s not everyone who gets to play with my fear. I have to trust you. Really trust you. I have to get vulnerable and I won’t do that with just anyone.
Fear, for me, is only fun when I know I will be fully cared for all through the experience and after. Knowing I can let go completely, that I can be not in control, that I can be vulnerable and it will all be okay is essential for me.
There’s always going to be a little doubt and I have trusted people with my fear that I’ve later regretted. But you can’t work out who to trust without trusting them a little bit first, right?
I only trust in increments anyway. I may go through the steps quicker with some people than others, some will never ever get past the first rung. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Dynamics are so different and that’s the beauty of it in part. And I don’t want to feel the fear every time I play.
But when I feel it, when I find people who scare me so good, oh then I feel free.