If I ever told you I love you
Yeah, I still do.
Really.
I’d have told you if I didn’t.
I’d take myself away from you if I didn’t.
But if the distance between us is circumstance
Or choice out of my hands,
I miss you.
Because once you’re in, you’re in.
My heart.
My life.
My people.
If I ever told you I love you
I meant it
I mean it
I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.
I say it a lot but it’s never untrue or flippant.
If you need me I’m here.
I’m always here
A word away.
No matter how much time has passed
Or what the last words you said to me were.
We might have wounds to heal
Bridges to mend
Truths to affirm
But if you need me. I’m here.
That can be put aside
Til later.
I’m not a hater. I’m just not built that way.
If I ever told you I love you
I’m telling you now that I love you.
I will always love you.
If you let me.
If you need me.
If you want me.
Eternally I do.
I recently wrote this poem to help me work through some particularly intense emotions over something that happened that was completely out of my control. Writing it definitely helped but also brought up some interesting questions around boundaries and forgiveness and love.
I have been around messages of love and forgiveness all my life. Brought up a Christian, attending church and actively being involved has driven home the importance of forgiveness and the essential nature of love.
Something Church is shit at though is emphasising the need for self-love. For giving yourself the same treatment you give to others. This coupled with an encouragement to give more and more and even more of yourself (all for Christ of course!) is something I realise now is entirely poisonous. Giving myself love, asserting my boundaries is something I’m still having to work on. Repairing damaging thought processes I’ve had in place forever.
So forever love. Where do my boundaries feature in the kind of love that always welcomes someone back with open arms?
That is indeed a big ol’ chewy bastard of a question.
And I’m not sure I know the answer. I should shield myself from hurt. I should keep some people out of my life forever, for my own good. Will I? I don’t actually know. Because once someone is in my heart they’re always in there. However, how and why and how much time I give does change with circumstances. I don’t gradiate, differentiate or otherwise split up love. For me if I love you in one way, say romantically for example and that ends, my love doesn’t end. It shifts to find another way of being.
Eternal love, same love, expressed differently.
And in that is my boundary. I will always love, will always give love but on my terms.
