I am queer. Yes, I realise dear reader, you might not be surprised by that. I’ve not exactly been quiet about it around here on my blog. You may well of even read I used to think I was straight or heard me read it at the Pride edition of Cocktails and Fuck Tales. You could have seen the above photo and others from the Biconography project.
But on Coming out day, I’m coming out. There are still people who don’t know I’m queer. So this is an opportunity to tell them but it’s also a way for me to talk again about the complexities of discovering I’m not straight. In some ways it’s been startlingly straight forward. The nature of my work, my family and my friends means that realising I’m part of the LGBT+has no huge repercussions. I’m not being disowned, I won’t be fired, I won’t be isolated because of my sexuality.
It’s literally been the least dramatic coming out and I’m thankful for that.
The complexities lie in my head. Sometimes I feel way too straight. I thought I was straight for 40 years of my life. That’s a long time. I told H this, a while ago as we lay in bed and they asked me what I meant.
“I feel like I’ve walked into a lesson where everyone else knows what they’re doing but I don’t even know where I should sit or which text book I’m looking at. Woe betide someone asks me a question.”
H replied with such compassion and simplicity.
“The reality is no one knows exactly what’s going on and everyone is looking at different text books.”
Which made me feel better, it really did.
Let me reiterate, I’ve felt nothing but welcome and love from the LGBT+ community. It’s only in my brain where I feel like there’s a surprise test and I’ve not revised…
How did I not realise sooner? Should I be louder and prouder? What information do I need to know? What books should I read, what questions should I ask and what questions shouldn’t I ask in case I’m being insensitive?
These questions float around my brain. What I’m beginning to realise is that it’s okay that I don’t know all the answers. No one knows all the answers. The important bit is that I am asking them. I’m thinking about these things and I am accepting this part of me that I’ve kept buried forever. Well, not quite. I’ve got 7 months out of 41 years where I’ve been embracing my queerness.
It is daunting, I feel like I have so much to learn, I regret not realising earlier but it is also a glorious, beautiful opportunity to find and embrace my true identity. It’s exactly the same as straight (but I was never straight) Victoria because I’m the same person, my personality hasn’t changed. I’m just living more truthfully now.
I have questions and fears and doubts but they don’t change who I am.
I am queer.
I am here.
I am loved.