An End #MasturbationMonday

Last time I visited H they rolled over as we were in bed together and said

“This relationship isn’t working for me.”

And my heart broke.

At the same time I felt relief as for weeks I’d known something was wrong and finally I knew what.

H and I are no longer partners.

This is not THE end, it’s just an end.

What we had wasn’t working properly. The reasons are not ones you all need to know but I needed to let you know things have changed.

So, as we said goodbye one of the last things they said to me was

“Don’t be a stranger.” And I saw in their eyes a fear that I was going away forever.

So I wrote something to them as I waited for my coach home:

I won’t be a stranger. Don’t worry about that. This, as you said, is an end and a beginning not a full stop.

I think of it like we’ve made a pot. But it’s not quite formed right. We could have continued as we were, it could have been fired but then it might break so as hard as it is, we’re squishing up the clay, making it into a mouldable chunk once more.

It’s painful. It’s hard. We’ve got decisions to make and we need to find our new joint vision. But we’ll make another pot. A stronger, more beautiful pot. We’ll have fun doing it, eventually.

And clay is mouldable. We can do it over and over again and lose nothing.

Actually, the better analogy (I’d delete and rewrite if I wasn’t typing on my phone) is gold. Because what we’ve got is precious but it’s not worked out quite right. So we’re going back in the fire so we can start over.

Don’t ever, ever, ever doubt your importance in my life. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. We’re just trying a reboot.

 

And this I think is what I want to share with you. Just that H and I are at an end but there is a beautiful new beginning around the corner.

You will likely see H mentioned here again in future because we’ll continue to be in each other’s lives in some way but you will notice an absence of their name for a while as we both go through our period of adjustment.

You might find I’m much quieter for a while. I don’t know.

I’m not okay, but I will be.

I am coming to terms with this end.

And waiting hopefully for the new beginning.

 

14 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I am sorry to hear that you relationship with H has come to end and will not be the same as it used to be. I can understand that this is a difficult time for you, and I hope you will come out of this stronger than you have ever been. In the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and to come to a closure so the beauty of what lies ahead of you can sparkle for you.

  • My babygirl self HATES endings, but I love how you’re looking at it, and I agree completely. An end to one thing doesn’t always mean an end to everything. I look forward to seeing what you create together next (assuming that gets shared with the rest of us, lol).

  • You are so strong, and so positive. I know that you are sad and hurt but you will come back. And love.

    In the meantime, be real kind to yourself.

    Obviously you are important to your friends here – do it for us.

  • Beautiful analogies here Victoria, I hope you keep them in your heart if you feel sad ♥️♥️♥️ take care x x

  • I love your positive attitude to life Victoria – and I think you are right – and I can not wait to read about any new beginnings you write about x

  • Hugs, and lots of them, I am currently going through the same thing myself and it’s hard, even when you still have a friendship between you both, letting go of the other parts as you move forward and give things space to change isn’t the easiest of things to go through, so I’m sending lots of warm and positive thoughts your way xxx

  • A beautiful post, tinged with sadness but also hope. Sorry you are going through this pain, but I’m glad your relationship will continue in a different way xx

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