An End #MasturbationMonday

Last time I visited H they rolled over as we were in bed together and said

“This relationship isn’t working for me.”

And my heart broke.

At the same time I felt relief as for weeks I’d known something was wrong and finally I knew what.

H and I are no longer partners.

This is not THE end, it’s just an end.

What we had wasn’t working properly. The reasons are not ones you all need to know but I needed to let you know things have changed.

So, as we said goodbye one of the last things they said to me was

“Don’t be a stranger.” And I saw in their eyes a fear that I was going away forever.

So I wrote something to them as I waited for my coach home:

I won’t be a stranger. Don’t worry about that. This, as you said, is an end and a beginning not a full stop.

I think of it like we’ve made a pot. But it’s not quite formed right. We could have continued as we were, it could have been fired but then it might break so as hard as it is, we’re squishing up the clay, making it into a mouldable chunk once more.

It’s painful. It’s hard. We’ve got decisions to make and we need to find our new joint vision. But we’ll make another pot. A stronger, more beautiful pot. We’ll have fun doing it, eventually.

And clay is mouldable. We can do it over and over again and lose nothing.

Actually, the better analogy (I’d delete and rewrite if I wasn’t typing on my phone) is gold. Because what we’ve got is precious but it’s not worked out quite right. So we’re going back in the fire so we can start over.

Don’t ever, ever, ever doubt your importance in my life. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. We’re just trying a reboot.

 

And this I think is what I want to share with you. Just that H and I are at an end but there is a beautiful new beginning around the corner.

You will likely see H mentioned here again in future because we’ll continue to be in each other’s lives in some way but you will notice an absence of their name for a while as we both go through our period of adjustment.

You might find I’m much quieter for a while. I don’t know.

I’m not okay, but I will be.

I am coming to terms with this end.

And waiting hopefully for the new beginning.

 

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