Wednesday Flash: Hey Diddle Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle.

They’re filming some spy thing right now. I get to see bits of it as I mop floors and dust props. I try to see as much of Dean Sanders as I possibly can. Dean is the biggest star in Hollywood right now and the hottest, oh yes he is. Very hot. Phew. I’d love to swoon into his strong arms, stare into his bright blue eyes and nibble on his plump lower lip. But I’m far to ‘real’ to star alongside Dean.That’s what the director said. But when I told him I’d take on anything…well, I got an overall and not as a costume.

“No, no, no!” The high pitched voice of Brittinee (Yes, she spells it that way) greets me as I walk out of the ladies toilets and back onto set. “I can’t take another moment of this. I’m a serious actress you know.”

I blinked a few times when I was her walk past me dressed in what appeared to be a cow costume.

“A little too close to real life for you,” I whispered to myself as I surreptitiously found a fake palm tree to dust. “Well, that’s blown it.” The deep growl of an upset Martin Grace reverberates around the huge set. I’m surprised nothing falls over. “I think we’ll have to rethink the dream sequence.”

“Aw, hell, Martin. That’s one of the best bits.”

“Well if Brit won’t do it we can’t do it, can we. End off.”

“You pander to her far too much,” Dean yells. I can’t see him but I recognise his voice. “Now what am I supposed to do?”

“Go home, filming’s over for the day.”

People swarm past me, most giggling and gabbing happily. A screaming argument ending in an afternoon off work, they were all thrilled.

“Can I go too, Martin?” I ask when he stalks past.

“No, I need the evil lair cleaned up. It’s covered in fake blood. We’ll need that set first thing tomorrow.” “Okay, boss.”

So they all bugger off and I end up on my hands and knees scrubbing fake blood off a fake marble floor. Wonderful. “Erm, excuse me?” A deep familiar voice distracts me from my grumblings.

“Oh, hi Mr Sanders. Can I help you?”

I stand up and turn around to face him. Even dressed as a spoon he looks good.

“I seem to be stuck, erm, what’s your name again?”

“My name is Mandy, sir. What’s stuck?”

“Mandy, please call me Dean and could you try and unzip this ruddy thing? I can’t. I think it’s stuck.”

“Sure, let me have a look.” I drop my wet cloth into the bucket and wipe my hands on my overall.

“You have a very pleasing accent, Mandy. Where are you from?”

“Oh, I’m from a little place in Yorkshire. That’s in England.” I walk behind him and locate the zip. I can feel his body heat as I reach in to pull it down.

“Ah, yes. I do love a British accent. It’s very sexy on a woman.”

“Well, thanks.” I stutter. I’m completely unco-ordinated anyway but I am undone by his compliment. “Erm, I’ll have you out in a jiffy, Dean. It just seems this is a bit stiff.” I push in closer to him to get a better look. I find my breasts crushed up against the back of his costume. “Sorry, I just need to get a better grip of the thingy thing.” My mind is mush. I am pressed against Dean Sanders. I’ll never wash again.

“No, no, whatever you need to do, Mandy. I’m so desperate to get out of this stupid thing.”

“I don’t suppose you want me to ask why you’re dressed as a spoon?”

“Hey Diddle Diddle.”

“Well, okay, if you don’t want to tell me—“

“No, I mean Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat and the fiddle. It’s a dream sequence all based on that kids rhyme you know?” “Oh, right.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.”

“I think I’ve got it, Dean, yep, it’s moving.” I pull down the zip and as it peels apart I see flesh Dean’s naked flesh.

“Thank you so much, Mandy. I thought I’d be stuck in there until tomorrow.”

“Well, least you’d be spooning. Ha.” I tell lame jokes when I’m nervous.

“Is that an offer, Mandy?” He asks turning round and pulling his arms out of the costume. Giving me a full on faceful of his naked torso.

“Well—erm— yes. Er, Well—what was the question again?” I was in a daze. Especially as he’d not stopped peeling the costume off and he was night on naked. Just some little boxer brief undies covered his bulging bit. The bit I really shouldn’t be looking at.

“Do you want to spoon with me?” He kicks off the costume and strides forward. I think my heart might explode at any moment and my knickers might fall down from the sheer weight of the wetness between my thighs. I’ve never been so aroused before.

“It would be so terribly fitting,” he continues, standing before me. “As I am a spoon and you’re a complete dish. Mmm, I’d love to plunge into you.” He places a finger beneath my chin and lifts my gaze to his. My cheeks are ablaze with heat. I’m embarrassed and turned on and I don’t k now what to say. “Would you like that, Mandy? But I’m being very forward here. Sorry, I’m an American. Let’s start slow. Can I kiss you, Mandy? I really want to.”

I nod my head. He kisses me. It has to be a dream or a movie script, it can’t possibly be real.